Omega Squad Report 13: Behind the Scenes

Ok, we know. You're probably ****** that you got Rick'Rolled, right?

Yeah, we figured as much. It was April Fool's Day, though. You couldn't deny that, right!?

So, after a little vacation, we here at the Lockout Weekly decided to give you a little tour of operations.

Since Grundo is reading The Cole Protocol for the thousandth time, Seg and Yos are having another pointless argument, and our editor is probably looking up yuri (Don't ask.), I, Pancho, will be the one to give you a heads up on what we do to get these articles to you.


Ok, to be accurate, this is how I get my articles in. I don't know how Grundo or Yos do theirs, but I sure as heck know how to get mine in, so let's start.

First off, I usually search around for good Intel. My buds over at Sanghelios and Balaho usually provide me with the juiciest Intel this side of the Milky Way, though often it isn't enough just to rely solely on them there. That's where I use my Bungie connections.

To be accurate, they're actually Grundo's, but I lie and say that I'm asking for some Intel for Grundo and they give me some on people's reactions as well as some current events. Once that's done, BOOM, we have our story.



Next, we need to get this thing written. AS you can guess, my fla-- I mean subby arms cannot write or type very well, so we Unggoys resort to a vocal keyboard.

What is this, you ask?

To put it bluntly, a vocal keyboard is an invention created by the UNSC, the UNSC, and a few of the Covenant races such as us, Sangheilis, Yanme'es, Mgalekgolos, and even a few Kig'Yars. This kind of keyboard converts vocal chords into text on a monitor. To make it easier to understand, if you say This, the word This appears on the monitor.

So we usually speak our articles. We have to pronounce them correctly, though, otherwise we sometimes mix up the words. One time I said Plasma Rifle and got Orgasm instead. For the younger audiences reading, you don't want to know.

When that's done, we need to get it to our editor over at Te. To get it there, we have to valiantly fight off brutal forces of Jiralhanaes, braving the slavers and highwaymen that pollute the lightspeed coordinates. I, alone, once fought off an entire Jiralhanae and Kig'Yar pirate group. I was cornered, my pistol exhausted, with what must have been millions of the brutes closing in on me.

And what did I do? I smacked one in the kissar and used my ninja poweres to vaporize them all. It was so quick, they died before they knew they were dead, ha!



Anyway, once we had delivered the article to our friends at Te, we wa-- I mean we must defend the weak, innocent editors from the ruthless tyrants that follow us even to the depths of Te. Finally, when we can retrieve the treasure, we must then travel the barren expanses of space to get to Earth, where, should we survive the hellspawn put against us, submit it to Bungie and they quickly give it to the guys here at Lockout Weekly.

Anyway, there you have it. That's the epci tale of how we bravely risk our lives in what must be a calamitous journey through unknown regions of space, fighting desperately against daunting odds to bring you the best of the best.

This is Pancho, and remember: Some of us died to make this report live.

Pancho

A Special Report from the Omega Squad

Just for you guys, we here at the Omega Squad staff decided to pull together and create a special video just for all of our fans.

So, without further adieu, enjoy!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0

Omega Squad Report 12: Jiralhanae rebel over their exclusion in Halo 4's Multiplayer

After dealing with the Twiltards that fought valiantly for the inclusion of the Cullens in Halo 4, I, Grundo 'Fishon, have returned from the battlefield to file this special report.

Now, you're probably wonder what exactly happened back there. Let's just say that there is a great shortage of Twilight copies.



Now, onto the actual story. Bungie, creators of the Halo series, have made a contract with Microsoft after a long, long break between them to create the much anticipated Halo 4. Halo 4, a direct sequel to Halo 3, deals with new antagonists, more Flood, the remnants of the Covenant Loyalists, and what happened to Master Chief and the rest of the Spartans.

However, Jiralhanaes are even more outraged when they have learned that they weren't included as a model for Multiplayer even though Marines, Unggoys, Kig-Yars, Mgalekgolos, Yanme'e, Flood, and even Sentinels were included in Multiplayer. They are further outraged by the rumor that Bungie may scrap the Jiralhanaes from the game entirely.

Normally, this wouldn't be an issue, but the Jiralhanaes had taken it once step forward. One of the Unggoys in charge of creating some of the new maps for Halo 4 was recently murdered by a mob of rioting Jiralhanaes. The Bungie building currently erected on Sanghelios later came under siege by Jiralhanae rioters.

Normally, this wouldn't be an issue for us, but the release of Halo 4 was postposted indefinitely was a result. Because of this, Bungie was flooded with angry emails from Humans, Unggoys, Sanghelios, and even the Mgalekgolos ranted about the complaints.

Because of this, the UNSC (United Nations Space Command) had recently commited most of their units on the Jiralhanae homeworld, Doisac, to stop the Jiralhanaes from further postponing the release of the anticipated game.



"I cannot stand this outrage," Lord Hood had commented. "As I had been honing my skills at Halo 3 for the day I would defeat the Arbiter in Halo 4. I will not rest until every single Jiralhanae is erased from the universe so we can play Halo 4 in peace."





"The Jiralhanae are bastards, yes," Thel 'Vadam had commented, "Yet this crime is inconceivable. Were it so easy, I would choke the life out of every single ape."







"The Jiralhanae had cursed us with many misfortunes," Rtas 'Vadum had commented, "But to deny us a game where we can pilot entire fleets against each other in the ultimate Multiplayer experience is damn near horrific. An even fight is not tolerable. Only the complete annihilation of these apes will bring us satisfaction."



"Apes bad!" the Unggoy represenative had commented, "Apes really bad! We train to defeat Kig-Yars in battle! Now we no kill Kig-Yars! We kill apes!!!"





"We are greatly aggravated by this inconvenience," the Kig-Yar representative had commented, "And we will not rest until we lay our hands on this game and smite the Unggoys."





"We will destroy the Jiralhanaes for this offense," the Mgalekgolo represenative had commented.







"Destroy all Jiralhanaes!!!" the Yanme'e represenative had commented.





"Such a great sin is even more so destructive to our goals for complete online domination," a Gravemind had commented. "Should we stir longer, we will be consumed by madness and forever be lost to the finer aspects of our race."








"This is 2401 Penitant Tangent," the monitor had commented, "Monitor of Installation 05, and I will NOT rest until I and my Sentinels eradicate the dumb apes and bless our drab lives with the excitement that is Halo 4."




As you can see, the delay of Halo 4 will not go unpunished. I only hope that their damnation is swift.

This is Grundo 'Fishon. Destroy the Jiralhanaes!!!

Grundo 'Fishon